Of trying to find the puzzle you belong to

Dear You,

I know you feel like I will never get you, I will never understand the chaos that is thudding inside you, I will never understand why you behave how you behave and may be you are right. You should be right because nobody is suffering like you are right now, right here. But, if I say that not long ago I was there with the thudding chaos that was almost as loud as yours and if I say that I have had my own share of bumpy roads that gave me heart-sore will you maybe listen to me?

Yes, I have been there. I know what it’s like when you know you are pretty witty but people just don’t get your joke. I know what it’s like when people think your choice of music is bad just because theirs is different. I know what it’s like when people think you’re either too smart or either too awkward to hang out with them. I know the price you have to pay for being brutally honest and I know what it’s like to get bullied for something you didn’t say or do at all. I know what it’s like to bury hundreds of stories inside you because they won’t make others cry and laugh and cringe like they make you. I know that feeling when you crawl into your bed and wonder if you’re wrong because when the entire world is on one side and you on the other, you end up thinking maybe; just maybe you really are wrong.

And that voice inside your head- yeah I am way too familiar to that sound too. You tell yourself something is not right with you, you tell yourself that you need to change and you try but something inside you holds you back. The you on the out constantly fights with the you on the inside. You can’t figure out what’s right and what’s wrong, you can’t figure out if you want to be you or you want to be them, you can’t tell if you should be honest or just say things that they want to hear. Result? You mess up. I did. I messed up big time when I was where you are.

I thought it would be endless. I thought I would always be miserable. I strongly believed that as long as I’d live I would be everything but me. I didn’t ace my teenage. I was a trouble’s child, I got into trouble every time I was unpretentiously myself and every time I tried to be like them. I messed up everything from my academics to personal relationships. I declared that I would rather not have this life. I got very close to giving up ample of times. It was a very dark phase, so I know or I can at least imagine what you are going through.

I wish there was somebody who told me that they were right where I was back then. I wish there was somebody that I trusted enough to confide in. I wish there was somebody who told me it was okay to be me because I would eventually meet people who would love me merely for my sense of humor, for my choice of music, for being blunt all the time, and for sharing the stories that move them too. I wish there was somebody who said Gam Ze Ya’vor – This too shall pass. Because it did.

Before I knew my battle within myself came to an end along with my high school and teenage. Before I knew, the environment changed and so did my life. It’s just that if somebody had told me it was just a phase, maybe I’d rather be shamelessly alone than try be somebody that people would easily approve of.

So, listen up. Stop doubting yourself. Stop questioning your values. Stop thinking that everybody else is better than you. You are your best when you are you and the more you embrace yourself the stronger you become. Don’t try to change yourself unless you see growth in the change.

It’s sad and funny at the same time that most teenagers like me back then and you right now spend their teenage questioning why they are not fitting in. It’s only when you grow into an adult that you realize you were not fitting in because you belonged to a different set of puzzle altogether. You are growing up, and this phase is passing. I promise, there will come a day when you’ll find people who think, feel, suffer, love, dream and do things like you do. You’ll the puzzle that you’ll happily belong to. Until then, be strong and be kind because like they say- Gam Ze Ya’avor.

Love,
The girl in red loafers

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